Seize the Day

The weather's finally cooling off around these parts... I'm actually feeling surprised that we'll be spending another winter here. I guess I didn't really think this Austin thing would last longer than a year. I'm happy it is... I mean, I love this city. I do really really miss my family, though. But we do okay.

It's been a rough year, but it's also been an amazing one. Jake and I are closer than ever before and we've grown up a little bit through all these adult-sized trials we've been facing. My birthday is coming up this next week (the big 27) and this is the first year where I'm literally cringing every time I think of the number. Not that it's old.. I know it's not. But it's that age where I'm almost forcing myself to ponder all the things I've done in the last 27 years and if I've done them well, you know? Have I seized opportunities? Have I accomplished anything? I tend to have automatically negative responses in regards to these questions... but I really shouldn't be too hard on myself. I've had some pretty incredible experiences and have met amazing people along the way. I have so many different friends scattered around in so many different places. I have the ability to relate and communicate effectively with people... something I didn't do very well in high school, but something that I've forced myself to learn since. I have a husband that I adore. I moved halfway across the USA to TEXAS (seriously... Texas? I never would've imagined I'd move to Texas one day) on somewhat of a whim... without a job. And guess what? We were able to find jobs and an incredible doctor very quickly.

Sure, I don't have a baby yet... and I ache every. single. day. because of it. I never wanted to be having kids into my mid 30's (even though everyone's doing it these days), but will now be forced to because, if it's up to me, I'd rather my kids be a couple years apart from each other. I have had so many different plans throughout my 27 years... involving different destinations, different careers, different people.. But this is where I've landed at this moment in life. I don't know what my feelings are on it all. I know there's more in store... and I have no idea where we'll be a year from now... but I guess I'll do my best not to get frustrated over certain plans not panning out.

And through all the different courses I've taken through life thus far... I can't say that I regret one.. okay, well at least not more than a few. It's landed me in the situation that I am in right now. Which at times, may seem dark and sad... but even still, I have someone that will be by my side through it all. And that feels great and gives me the strength to carry on every day. We have a thirst for adventure, a good sense of humor, an incredible taste in music, movies, and food... :) Like I said, we do okay.

I have many different aspirations I hope to achieve one day. I feel like I've put some of my passions on the back burner while I dwell on the lame grown up stuff this last year. This next year will be different... and I'm going to try very hard to be more positive and find the inspiration to create and be the artistic person I used to be.

Maybe another birthday isn't so bad after all... another year to achieve something glorious, perhaps?

Racing Trains

a little fun.

Another Black Cloud Rolls In

FYI: this is an incredibly depressing post about the realities of life..

It's hard to imagine too many worse things than the frustrations and heartache of dealing with infertility... 

Except for maybe dealing with a miscarriage after years of infertility.

It's not something I really even want to talk about. But I feel like I almost need to in order to start moving forward again. 

To keep the painful story short, let me just say that we found out we were pregnant about a month ago. I had conceived naturally the month after my surgery. We were absolutely thrilled. After two years of trying, we were finally going to have a baby. I can't even describe the happiness I felt for exactly one month. We got to tell our families in person when we were in Las Vegas earlier this month... we bought a couple things for "baby" just because we finally could. It was hard to get me down.. even though I was nauseous most of the time, I welcomed it with open arms. 

Well not everything wonderful is meant to last... or at least that was the reminder we received last week when we got the news that there was no heartbeat and that I was in fact carrying a blighted ovum. I didn't take the news well, of course. The day I found out, last Tuesday, I called in sick to work, took a xanax, and basically tuned out for the day. I had the D&C  procedure on Friday and I actually felt okay that morning. I thought I had come to terms with everything. Until I woke up from the procedure.. felt the bleeding and the cramping.. and knew it was really over. I've just sort of felt empty ever since. I'm working on it, though. I think it's normal to mourn, right? Like everyone says.. at least I can get pregnant. So there's that.

So I sort of just want to leave it at that. I wish I had something really inspirational and beautiful to say.. like how I've learned through this tragedy some amazing thing that'll change my life for the better. Maybe I have.. I just haven't realized it yet. I guess I do know it will all have been worth it one day. When I have my baby in my arms, finally. I do have faith that I will still have that dream. 

For now it just sucks. Loss sucks. Unhappiness sucks. Trying to find reasons to keep positive when life just keeps kicking you with muddy boots.. you guessed it.. sucks. This post sort of sucks! I'm sorry.. what a total downer. I'll be okay guys, I promise. Just hang with me for a bit. Maybe I need you to feel bad for me (again.. cuz wasn't I just bitchin a few posts back about infertility?!). Cuz I sorta feel bad for me. I'm strong, though.. And I have incredible people in my life who help keep me smiling on the super dark days. 

I'm so incredibly grateful for that. 

Bug has been by my side every day this last week. 

Jake is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. He's my lifeline right now.

Ooh-blah-dee... Ooh-blah-dah...

Some days (most days) I wish I were on an episode of House Hunters International... 

We had a wonderful visit home last week. Oh my.. we are so flippin far away! What were we thinking?! JK.. I'm glad we moved to Austin. It's been a really great experience for us. BUT.. it IS far away. We just had to go home, spend a week with family and BFFs, then say goodbye again to realize it.

It was fabulous, though.. to just relax and hang out with our favorite people. I even made a trip up to my beloved Zion's National Park with my family and enjoyed a day of hiking in my absolute favorite place in this world. Oh man, it was perfect.

Well, we're back to every day life again and hoping to make some big decisions soon.. perhaps moving back out west? Who knows what life will bring.. it's so rarely something you can control anymore. You need to go where the jobs are, ya know? It's sort of depressing if you really start to think about it... so I try not to that often. 

I have a really adorkable cat, though. Have I told you about her? Many times, you say?? So what.. maybe if you had a cat as cool as mine, you'd wanna brag about her all the time. 

I'm feeling very random this eve and should probably go rest up and read a book or something. Pretty sure I won't be getting a suitable blog post out of myself tonight. Oh well.. here are a couple photos to make it worth your while perhaps. 

The Scope of it All

Well my mom is flying out of Austin in about 4 minutes...

I hate saying goodbye to family. It's never easy and always emotional. Way to be.. way to be. It was great having her here, though. Even though I was tired, in pain, and super needy the whole time. I wonder why she wanted to leave so quickly?! Jk. jk. She was actually able to come for a good chunk of time... I'm very lucky to have a mum who loves me enough to travel all the way out here.

The reason behind her visit is due to my date with the scalpel last Friday. You guessed it... I was lucky enough to have Laparoscopic surgery! Woot! Na.. not that cool. I promise.  So I decided I'd let y'all know how it all went just in case, ya know, you need to get a Laparoscopy or Hysteroscopy one day. (I really really hope not!)

So the appointment was on Friday at 1pm. I wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything after midnight Thursday night, which actually wasn't too terrible. I was surprised at my lack of appetite. I'm always hungry. Guess I was pretty nervous. Honestly, I've never had to have surgery before.. I've never been "put under" by general anesthesia... or had to think of possibly never waking up..

Anyway - so Jake got off work at 7am.. came home and slept for two hours and then took me to the surgery center at 11:30. Once there, I signed some paperwork, waited until about noon, then was called back for more paperwork. After that I changed into the super sweet hospital gown and was shown to my waiting/recovery "room" (that was separated by all the other "rooms" by sheets... nice). The nurse attempted to start the IV, took one look at my tiny, child-sized hands and decided I had tiny, child-sized veins as well. So she had to get a smaller needle and got to work fixing it into my hand.. (puke..) So it didn't go super smooth, but she wasn't really hurting me too bad, thank goodness. Apparently the little rubber IV thingy didn't want to fit into the hole made by the needle in my skin, so it got a little messy.

It looked a lot worse than it felt.

The nurse put a clean sheet underneath so i didn't have to almost faint every time I looked down at my hand.

After the IV was figured out, I started feeling a little sleepy. I met the anesthesiologist and the nurse anesthetist. My doctor showed up around that time and tried finding the lab results of my Pre-Op appointment in my chart.. specifically the pregnancy test. Unable to track them down, he had to get on the phone to his office. In the meantime, the nurse there who had previously taken a urine sample from me, remembered why she had actually taken the sample and ran off to do a pregnancy test. She came back with the stick, waiting for it to turn either Positive or Negative, all of us waiting with bated breath... me hoping that, even though I knew it was impossible, I could somehow actually BE pregnant and wouldn't have to go through this hideous surgery after all.. but then the idiot nurse (she wasn't really an idiot nurse, her next statement was just idiotic given my situation, I thought..) said, "Oh, it's one line! That's good!! That means it's negative!" I of course had to reply with, "Well some of us don't really think that's such a good thing..." I think I repeated that a few times, actually, because by this time I was really sleepy and anxious..

Well, after that, the nurse anesthestist told me that he was going to give me something to relax me and that they would then wheel me into the surgery room. He said I would be talking the whole time they were wheeling me in there, but that I wouldn't remember any of it. So I said goodbye to Jake and they shot the drugs into the IV. Jake says I kept trying to stick my arms out through the bars in the side of the bed as they wheeled me away, and they kept making me cross my arms across my chest, but I don't really remember doing that. It's sketchy, but I do remember the surgery room. I saw a big, blue light and then it went black.

So when I woke up, I was back in a recovery "room" and as soon as I opened my eyes, I was nauseous. They kept trying to give me crackers and I was trying to eat them, but my mouth was so dry and my throat hurt from the breathing tube they'd had in... and I just wanted to throw up. I knew I was going to react badly to the anesthesia. I don't do good taking a pill on an empty stomach, let alone a whole stew of drugs. I guess I kept falling asleep, too. Jake says I would fall asleep in the middle of sentences. He and the nurse had to dress me and I honestly can't remember much of that. They loaded me into the jeep and Jake drove me home and put me to bed. I was so nauseous the whole time... I kept trying to make myself throw up, but nothing would happen because I didn't have anything on my stomach! It sucked. That wasn't a very great night. My mom did arrive that evening and Jake picked her up from the airport. I was awake when she got there and munching on graham crackers. I was nauseous still, but once I had some food on my stomach, I started to feel better.

So the results of the Laparoscopy: I have Endometriosis. Well, I had Endometriosis and it may come back. The doctor put three incisions in my stomach, the most painful one being in my belly button. He went in with a laparoscope to see what he could find... he found Endometriosis on both ovaries, behind the uterus, and on the bladder flap (whatever that is!). There were also adhesions, which are like bands of scar tissue. He decided to remove it all as well as the cysts that we already knew were on my right ovary. He also did a Hysteroscopy where he flushed dye through my tubes (same thing I had done last year, called an HSG. It hurt like hell. I'm so happy I wasn't awake for it this time!)

 I haven't spoken to the doctor yet. I go in for my Post Op next week so I'll know more about what stage of Endometriosis this is considered as being and what our next plan of action is. I spoke to the nurse a little yesterday and she doesn't think I should take any Femara this month. I'm okay with that. My body needs some time to recuperate. The worst side effect I had to deal with over the weekend were the ache in my back, shoulders, and neck.. everywhere, actually. During the procedure, they fill you up with carbon dioxide gas so they can get a better look inside. They try to get as much gas out as they can after the procedure, but they can't get it all out. So it took about 3 days for the gas to seep out through my joints. (ouch!) I took the pain pills mostly because of that, honestly.

Now, 4 days later, I don't feel 100% at all. Maybe around 60% my normal self?! And I have to go back to work tomorrow. :( My incisions are still painful. And they call this minimally invasive surgery?? I can't imagine having anything bigger done! Blah.. well, I guess it was a little more than a Laparoscopy since they had to remove all that "gunk". So yes.. not the most wonderful experience, but I did have my mom and Jake here to take care of me. They cooked meals for me and kept me hydrated and comfortable. I'm so happy I had them here with me. I was able to get out of the house on Sunday for a little bit and we headed downtown to do a short riverboat cruise on Lady Bird Lake. It exhausted the hell outta me, but it was fun. Monday I took my mom to see the peacocks in Mayfield Park and we were able to go shopping for a little bit. I was ready to go home after a little while, but it was really nice to get out of the house for a while.

Anyway, so that's that. I guess we'll see what the future has in store. It's scary to think that I have Endometriosis.. and in the olden days, I may not have been able to get pregnant at all. But I've read that the best way to combat Endo is to get pregnant. So let's hope that we've helped that process along... and that we can have a happy ending yet! I know I'm not losing hope..

Lauren xo

pretties.

Hello.

So I've only done two actual photo sessions since I've moved to Austin. Terrible? Yes. Totally. Pathetic, really. I tell ya, this whole infertility thing has changed me a bit. I still have a great passion for photography, it's just a bit misguided at the moment. I have a difficult time wanting to photograph other people's kids, or other families... I just want to photograph my own babies. Watch my own kids grow through photos.

This isn't how I feel all the time, thank goodness, but it's caused my motivation for photo taking to slack a bit. It upsets me. I honestly don't want to work at Nordstrom the rest of my life. I want photography to be my number one job. Focus, Lauren, FOCUS! I'll get back on track. I'm beginning to try harder, at least.

The thing is... once I actually DO a session, I am so happy to be back in the game. I LOVE being behind the lens.. and I love the excitement of going through images on my computer after I get home from a session and seeing what magic is hidden away in there. Often times there's at least a little magic... :) This is how it worked out earlier this week..

Although I do have an entire website devoted to my photography, I have yet to put a post together for it with photos of my latest shoot. Laziness, I tell ya. That and I've worked every day this week so far.. and still have two more days to go. Erk. I'm still editing the session anyhow, so I shouldn't rush things, right? Right.

I am sort of in love with a few of the photos, though, so I thought I'd share a few with my favorite blogging friends.

{click on the photos to see them a little larger}

Weekend means busy work days for me... but I wish you a happy weekend regardless, my friends. xo

late nights and later mornings

life has been weird lately. facebook statuses have been a little more "sad"... i think i can accredit this to the missing as of late, but mostly to the things that've been going on in my little life.


i wrote up a very long blog post about a month or two ago outlining the details of recent goings on.. but was completely crushed when i found that the save function on blogger had malfunctioned and i lost every word of it. ouch. it's taken me this long to recover and sit down for another go. from the looks of things, "Save" is working correctly this time.


I'm going to go ahead and write out a few of my journal entries... lay it out there. I've learned that there's support everywhere. I've met friends online, whom I call "stranger friends", who've gone through this same thing or something close to it... and it helps so much to know other's have felt your pain. ***(I'll warn you, this can be a little detailed, but I'm over caring. I can't tell you how many doctors have now seen my lady parts up close and personal...)


The Rocky Road to Momhood May 23, 2011:
Well, it's been a long one... and it's still winding about taking detours over hills and lowly valleys. It's weird, but when I think back, I believe I knew this would be my trial (a trial) through life. I don't think I could have consciously explained to you that I knew this, but I just don't feel 100% surprised with the situation. Granted it hasn't made the infertility any easier, but I've just never admitted that I could've possibly fathomed this. But I have. So there's that. I'm pretty surprised to see that written out, actually. It's been about two years now since we've been trying for a baby and the insatiable need inside me for a child has grown incredibly. My insides just want to scream "BUT I'M READY!" so often that it's exhausting.
Events thus far include:
July 2009 - Begin to try to conceive
May 2010 - After 11 months of trying, we decide to get checked out by a doctor. See if there's anything wrong. All of the wonderful testing is done. Anything wrong? Nope! I feel frustrated at this as I'm hoping there's a problem with my body that could just be "fixed".
June-August 2010 - Clomid and HSG. Turn into a crazy, heat flashed person with the Clomid. HSG hurts like hell. Worse, probably. Vow to never go through this procedure again and decide to never attempt natural childbirth.
September-March 2011 - No insurance = no Clomid or any other fertility treatments. Continue to attempt the "natural way." Not missing the Clomid actually as the side effects sucked and I ceased to "surge" 2 out of the 3 months I was on it. During this time I also started spotting more frequently.
April 2011 - Insurance! Go see new doctor (Dr. Phillips). He's the first male OBGYN I've seen, but is also a fertility specialist. Does an exam, sonogram (the "fun" kind.. including a "wand"), has me do blood work to test hormone levels. Instant connection, I'm super happy to have found a new doctor so willing to create a POA to get me pregnant. A week later, his nurse calls to tell me about the PCOS they think I have. I have cysts all over my right ovary. Confident that I'll get pregnant regardless, I take two rounds of Femara this month. 
May 2011 - Pregnancy test = Negative. I also get off my anti-anxiety med per doctor's suggestion and start taking pre natal vitamins again. I do another round of Femara and on day 16 of cycle (yesterday), I go in to clinic to get another sonogram and measure follicles. They look good and ready, so I get an HCG shot in my hip. Doesn't hurt at all actually... On day 17 of cycle (today) I go in for the IUI procedure. It hurts like the HSG did last year, but didn't last as long so I survive. Maintain my stance against natural childbirth... 

in the waiting room before the IUI. jake had worked all night long and hadn't been to bed yet.

In between the journal entries, let me just say that post IUI, I was very convinced that it would work. My doctor was also convinced that it would work. I was consumed with hope and positivity... until..


The Punch That Keeps Punching June 2, 2011: 
So I'm not due to take another prego test for another couple days, but this morning at work a giant >>PANG<< of realization hit me in the pit of my stomach. I felt irritable, anxious, bloated and crampy.. all the wonderful things I feel a day or two before my . comes. At the moment of the >>PANG<<, I knew that yet again,  i was not pregnant... that, like every month before for the last 23 months, my body had failed me. I was an emotional wreck all day.. and it's continued all night.  It's not effing fair! Why can't I just get pregnant?! I started spotting again today, so my hope feels squashed.. even though all of this could still be pregnancy symptoms, I don't think they are. Jake's working all night for the next 4 nights (at least) so I get to deal with this alone. I don't even want to talk to people on the phone. They don't know how I feel. I can't tell you how sick I am of hearing people say "it'll happen exactly when it's supposed to." I don't care! By no means does this make me feel better!! I know they just don't know what to say.. they feel sorry for me and love me. I'm sure it's difficult for them to watch me go through it...

sono machine.. 

Mixed Up June 6, 2011:
Well, the . officially started today. I went to my doctor's appointment so he could do another sono and check the status of my cysts. Guess they don't look so peachy, so I'm on birth control this month instead of the Femara. The Femara is feeding the cysts, so we need to blast them down before I can continue to take it. Dr. P is also concerned about all the "pre-spotting/bleeding." That's not normal, I guess, who knew? Even with the cysts. My body has done it for a while. Well, I guess I'll be getting a Laproscopy and Hysteroscopy done the end of this month. Which is a bummer because I have to do it the Friday we were going to go to Santa Fe to see Luke, Chelle, and Carter. :( Breaks my heart.. I want to see them so bad. Dr. P is nervous that I  might have Endometriosis. It's an outpatient procedure, but I do have to be put under for it. They have to cut an incision in my belly button and go in to see what's going down inside my uterus. Super fun stuff. Can't wait. I'm feeling really overwhelmed today and don't really know how to make sense of all the thoughts going on in my head. Jake was off tonight, thank goodness. I don't know how I would've gotten through the day without him. It's a weird time for us right now... struggling to figure out a career, the baby situation, and being so far from our families.. it's making us stronger, I know, but it's all just so... heavy. It exhausts me. I feel like there's a very long road ahead of of me.. and I can't give up now. Mandy said that Parker (my 12 yr old niece) asked her how I was doing tonight.. Mandy told her I'd been to the Dr and have a few issues I need to take care of. Parker looked at Mandy and said, matter-of-factly, "Aunt Lauren will get pregnant. I just know it. I don't know how I know.. but it will happen." I thought it was the sweetest thing. I adore that girl. This reminded me of the positivity I need to hold on to. Life's been pretty good to me, right? I really need to remember those good things...

So this is where I am. It has been really hard. Especially lately. Most days I feel like I'm laying face down in the dirt and getting these occasional kicks to remind me that life's just not fair. BUT... I can take it. I'm blessed with an incredible family who's supported me from the start. Granted, they're 20+ hours away by car.. but I know they're there. 


Well now you know. I guess now I can just "keep you updated"? Maybe some of you have gone through this? Like I said, I'm always looking for new friends to shout "this sucks!" with.. I'm not looking for people to feel bad for me. I just wanted to reach out and bring the issue to light. 


Wishing you all the best this week. 


Lauren

what i miss most:

there are a few things. in no particular order...

cafe rio- oh. so. bad. my memory can almost taste it.. but not quite. and it kills me most days. never thought i'd miss it this bad!

fried pickles from lucille's- they were the first, therefore they are the best fried pickles eva. and i'm living in the "south" (sorta)! so this says a lot about lucille's!

lunch dates with the sisters & mum- i just miss our girl time together. so much.

mountains- MOUNTAINS!!! i miss thee so terribly much. they don't believe in mountains here. just hills.. and they're pretty gorgeous, too.. but i miss the smell of higher elevation and the majestic, jagged horizon. {sigh...}

speaking of mountains.. ZIONS- my favorite place on earth. if you haven't visited.. you're missing out on a whole different kind of WOW factor. giant cliffs of red rock. they're just... amazing.

friends- sure, we have a few friends here... but we also have incredible friends back on the western side of the states.

sunday dinner- every sunday we'd gather with the casto family and eat a wonderful meal. the best meal of the week, usually. jake's mum is a wonderful cook.. and his family is fabulous company.

family- this is numero uno on the missing list. why is transportation so costly?? i wish we could visit with our most favorite humans in the world more often. i'm realizing more now than ever just how important family is. i'm so grateful that we have such amazing families.. both in-laws and out-laws alike.. to miss. very blessed indeed.

there are more things, but not a whole lot more. i do love austin and all the many wonders it has to offer. it's greeeen... and full of amazing fooood... you've heard me list them before. i'm sure i'll have a laundry list of things i miss about this place, too, once we leave it one day.

cheers to you!

enjoy your FRIDAY THE 13TH! {we'll be watching nightmare on elm street to celebrate}

from our going away fiesta back in october. taken with disposables!:

...hello? is this thing on?

{cricket}

{cricket}

...{cricket}

i know. it's a common sound around these parts.

remember when i was like, "hey, i have this really awesome blog, you should ch-ch-check it out."
then you were like, "hells yes, you're super interesting, i love following your blog entries about your insanely interesting life."
then i was like, ".........."

ya, that was about how it went down. sorry folks. i'll give you a few details on the happenings. let's just say that austin is still amazing. we sorta love it. there are these hidden communities right off the highways that have trees all around them, and cute ranch houses with huge yards...
there's incredible food and i feel like i've successfully gained ten pounds since moving here. texas bbq is truly spectacular.
the people are kind... genuine. they mean it when they ask you how your day is going.
bug seems happier here. there are 7 cats that live downstairs... bug isn't allowed to go outside to hang out with their flea-ridden selves, but she watches happily from our windows. she's also made friends with the bluejays and squirrels that frequent the branches just outside our door.
i'm working at nordstrom... some days i love it, somedays i wish i could remember what it was like to look forward to a friday.
we're both still looking forward to hearing back from the airforce soon. it's been a long process... budget debates aren't helping matters either. {get it together, gov't.}
we.miss.our.family. we're far away. texas is far away. airfare isn't cheap. asking for time off is close to impossible between the both of us. one day we'll get home to at least say hi for a day to those we love most. one day!
it is beautiful here, though. so many rivers and lakes... and downtown is so clean and interesting. we're wondering what the future holds. if we're meant to stay here for a while or move along. just waiting it out and enjoying life along the way, i guess.

i promise i'll try harder at blogging. although most of you follow my life on fb, so at least i don't suck at all realms of social networking.

for now, i'll leave you with a few photos... hoping i can make up for the "lost time".