late nights and later mornings

life has been weird lately. facebook statuses have been a little more "sad"... i think i can accredit this to the missing as of late, but mostly to the things that've been going on in my little life.


i wrote up a very long blog post about a month or two ago outlining the details of recent goings on.. but was completely crushed when i found that the save function on blogger had malfunctioned and i lost every word of it. ouch. it's taken me this long to recover and sit down for another go. from the looks of things, "Save" is working correctly this time.


I'm going to go ahead and write out a few of my journal entries... lay it out there. I've learned that there's support everywhere. I've met friends online, whom I call "stranger friends", who've gone through this same thing or something close to it... and it helps so much to know other's have felt your pain. ***(I'll warn you, this can be a little detailed, but I'm over caring. I can't tell you how many doctors have now seen my lady parts up close and personal...)


The Rocky Road to Momhood May 23, 2011:
Well, it's been a long one... and it's still winding about taking detours over hills and lowly valleys. It's weird, but when I think back, I believe I knew this would be my trial (a trial) through life. I don't think I could have consciously explained to you that I knew this, but I just don't feel 100% surprised with the situation. Granted it hasn't made the infertility any easier, but I've just never admitted that I could've possibly fathomed this. But I have. So there's that. I'm pretty surprised to see that written out, actually. It's been about two years now since we've been trying for a baby and the insatiable need inside me for a child has grown incredibly. My insides just want to scream "BUT I'M READY!" so often that it's exhausting.
Events thus far include:
July 2009 - Begin to try to conceive
May 2010 - After 11 months of trying, we decide to get checked out by a doctor. See if there's anything wrong. All of the wonderful testing is done. Anything wrong? Nope! I feel frustrated at this as I'm hoping there's a problem with my body that could just be "fixed".
June-August 2010 - Clomid and HSG. Turn into a crazy, heat flashed person with the Clomid. HSG hurts like hell. Worse, probably. Vow to never go through this procedure again and decide to never attempt natural childbirth.
September-March 2011 - No insurance = no Clomid or any other fertility treatments. Continue to attempt the "natural way." Not missing the Clomid actually as the side effects sucked and I ceased to "surge" 2 out of the 3 months I was on it. During this time I also started spotting more frequently.
April 2011 - Insurance! Go see new doctor (Dr. Phillips). He's the first male OBGYN I've seen, but is also a fertility specialist. Does an exam, sonogram (the "fun" kind.. including a "wand"), has me do blood work to test hormone levels. Instant connection, I'm super happy to have found a new doctor so willing to create a POA to get me pregnant. A week later, his nurse calls to tell me about the PCOS they think I have. I have cysts all over my right ovary. Confident that I'll get pregnant regardless, I take two rounds of Femara this month. 
May 2011 - Pregnancy test = Negative. I also get off my anti-anxiety med per doctor's suggestion and start taking pre natal vitamins again. I do another round of Femara and on day 16 of cycle (yesterday), I go in to clinic to get another sonogram and measure follicles. They look good and ready, so I get an HCG shot in my hip. Doesn't hurt at all actually... On day 17 of cycle (today) I go in for the IUI procedure. It hurts like the HSG did last year, but didn't last as long so I survive. Maintain my stance against natural childbirth... 

in the waiting room before the IUI. jake had worked all night long and hadn't been to bed yet.

In between the journal entries, let me just say that post IUI, I was very convinced that it would work. My doctor was also convinced that it would work. I was consumed with hope and positivity... until..


The Punch That Keeps Punching June 2, 2011: 
So I'm not due to take another prego test for another couple days, but this morning at work a giant >>PANG<< of realization hit me in the pit of my stomach. I felt irritable, anxious, bloated and crampy.. all the wonderful things I feel a day or two before my . comes. At the moment of the >>PANG<<, I knew that yet again,  i was not pregnant... that, like every month before for the last 23 months, my body had failed me. I was an emotional wreck all day.. and it's continued all night.  It's not effing fair! Why can't I just get pregnant?! I started spotting again today, so my hope feels squashed.. even though all of this could still be pregnancy symptoms, I don't think they are. Jake's working all night for the next 4 nights (at least) so I get to deal with this alone. I don't even want to talk to people on the phone. They don't know how I feel. I can't tell you how sick I am of hearing people say "it'll happen exactly when it's supposed to." I don't care! By no means does this make me feel better!! I know they just don't know what to say.. they feel sorry for me and love me. I'm sure it's difficult for them to watch me go through it...

sono machine.. 

Mixed Up June 6, 2011:
Well, the . officially started today. I went to my doctor's appointment so he could do another sono and check the status of my cysts. Guess they don't look so peachy, so I'm on birth control this month instead of the Femara. The Femara is feeding the cysts, so we need to blast them down before I can continue to take it. Dr. P is also concerned about all the "pre-spotting/bleeding." That's not normal, I guess, who knew? Even with the cysts. My body has done it for a while. Well, I guess I'll be getting a Laproscopy and Hysteroscopy done the end of this month. Which is a bummer because I have to do it the Friday we were going to go to Santa Fe to see Luke, Chelle, and Carter. :( Breaks my heart.. I want to see them so bad. Dr. P is nervous that I  might have Endometriosis. It's an outpatient procedure, but I do have to be put under for it. They have to cut an incision in my belly button and go in to see what's going down inside my uterus. Super fun stuff. Can't wait. I'm feeling really overwhelmed today and don't really know how to make sense of all the thoughts going on in my head. Jake was off tonight, thank goodness. I don't know how I would've gotten through the day without him. It's a weird time for us right now... struggling to figure out a career, the baby situation, and being so far from our families.. it's making us stronger, I know, but it's all just so... heavy. It exhausts me. I feel like there's a very long road ahead of of me.. and I can't give up now. Mandy said that Parker (my 12 yr old niece) asked her how I was doing tonight.. Mandy told her I'd been to the Dr and have a few issues I need to take care of. Parker looked at Mandy and said, matter-of-factly, "Aunt Lauren will get pregnant. I just know it. I don't know how I know.. but it will happen." I thought it was the sweetest thing. I adore that girl. This reminded me of the positivity I need to hold on to. Life's been pretty good to me, right? I really need to remember those good things...

So this is where I am. It has been really hard. Especially lately. Most days I feel like I'm laying face down in the dirt and getting these occasional kicks to remind me that life's just not fair. BUT... I can take it. I'm blessed with an incredible family who's supported me from the start. Granted, they're 20+ hours away by car.. but I know they're there. 


Well now you know. I guess now I can just "keep you updated"? Maybe some of you have gone through this? Like I said, I'm always looking for new friends to shout "this sucks!" with.. I'm not looking for people to feel bad for me. I just wanted to reach out and bring the issue to light. 


Wishing you all the best this week. 


Lauren