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Sunday, August 28, 2011

Another Black Cloud Rolls In

FYI: this is an incredibly depressing post about the realities of life..

It's hard to imagine too many worse things than the frustrations and heartache of dealing with infertility... 

Except for maybe dealing with a miscarriage after years of infertility.

It's not something I really even want to talk about. But I feel like I almost need to in order to start moving forward again. 

To keep the painful story short, let me just say that we found out we were pregnant about a month ago. I had conceived naturally the month after my surgery. We were absolutely thrilled. After two years of trying, we were finally going to have a baby. I can't even describe the happiness I felt for exactly one month. We got to tell our families in person when we were in Las Vegas earlier this month... we bought a couple things for "baby" just because we finally could. It was hard to get me down.. even though I was nauseous most of the time, I welcomed it with open arms. 

Well not everything wonderful is meant to last... or at least that was the reminder we received last week when we got the news that there was no heartbeat and that I was in fact carrying a blighted ovum. I didn't take the news well, of course. The day I found out, last Tuesday, I called in sick to work, took a xanax, and basically tuned out for the day. I had the D&C  procedure on Friday and I actually felt okay that morning. I thought I had come to terms with everything. Until I woke up from the procedure.. felt the bleeding and the cramping.. and knew it was really over. I've just sort of felt empty ever since. I'm working on it, though. I think it's normal to mourn, right? Like everyone says.. at least I can get pregnant. So there's that.

So I sort of just want to leave it at that. I wish I had something really inspirational and beautiful to say.. like how I've learned through this tragedy some amazing thing that'll change my life for the better. Maybe I have.. I just haven't realized it yet. I guess I do know it will all have been worth it one day. When I have my baby in my arms, finally. I do have faith that I will still have that dream. 

For now it just sucks. Loss sucks. Unhappiness sucks. Trying to find reasons to keep positive when life just keeps kicking you with muddy boots.. you guessed it.. sucks. This post sort of sucks! I'm sorry.. what a total downer. I'll be okay guys, I promise. Just hang with me for a bit. Maybe I need you to feel bad for me (again.. cuz wasn't I just bitchin a few posts back about infertility?!). Cuz I sorta feel bad for me. I'm strong, though.. And I have incredible people in my life who help keep me smiling on the super dark days. 

I'm so incredibly grateful for that. 

Bug has been by my side every day this last week. 


Jake is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. He's my lifeline right now.



Saturday, August 13, 2011

Ooh-blah-dee... Ooh-blah-dah...

Some days (most days) I wish I were on an episode of House Hunters International... 

We had a wonderful visit home last week. Oh my.. we are so flippin far away! What were we thinking?! JK.. I'm glad we moved to Austin. It's been a really great experience for us. BUT.. it IS far away. We just had to go home, spend a week with family and BFFs, then say goodbye again to realize it.

It was fabulous, though.. to just relax and hang out with our favorite people. I even made a trip up to my beloved Zion's National Park with my family and enjoyed a day of hiking in my absolute favorite place in this world. Oh man, it was perfect.

Well, we're back to every day life again and hoping to make some big decisions soon.. perhaps moving back out west? Who knows what life will bring.. it's so rarely something you can control anymore. You need to go where the jobs are, ya know? It's sort of depressing if you really start to think about it... so I try not to that often. 

I have a really adorkable cat, though. Have I told you about her? Many times, you say?? So what.. maybe if you had a cat as cool as mine, you'd wanna brag about her all the time. 

I'm feeling very random this eve and should probably go rest up and read a book or something. Pretty sure I won't be getting a suitable blog post out of myself tonight. Oh well.. here are a couple photos to make it worth your while perhaps.