Another Black Cloud Rolls In

FYI: this is an incredibly depressing post about the realities of life..

It's hard to imagine too many worse things than the frustrations and heartache of dealing with infertility... 

Except for maybe dealing with a miscarriage after years of infertility.

It's not something I really even want to talk about. But I feel like I almost need to in order to start moving forward again. 

To keep the painful story short, let me just say that we found out we were pregnant about a month ago. I had conceived naturally the month after my surgery. We were absolutely thrilled. After two years of trying, we were finally going to have a baby. I can't even describe the happiness I felt for exactly one month. We got to tell our families in person when we were in Las Vegas earlier this month... we bought a couple things for "baby" just because we finally could. It was hard to get me down.. even though I was nauseous most of the time, I welcomed it with open arms. 

Well not everything wonderful is meant to last... or at least that was the reminder we received last week when we got the news that there was no heartbeat and that I was in fact carrying a blighted ovum. I didn't take the news well, of course. The day I found out, last Tuesday, I called in sick to work, took a xanax, and basically tuned out for the day. I had the D&C  procedure on Friday and I actually felt okay that morning. I thought I had come to terms with everything. Until I woke up from the procedure.. felt the bleeding and the cramping.. and knew it was really over. I've just sort of felt empty ever since. I'm working on it, though. I think it's normal to mourn, right? Like everyone says.. at least I can get pregnant. So there's that.

So I sort of just want to leave it at that. I wish I had something really inspirational and beautiful to say.. like how I've learned through this tragedy some amazing thing that'll change my life for the better. Maybe I have.. I just haven't realized it yet. I guess I do know it will all have been worth it one day. When I have my baby in my arms, finally. I do have faith that I will still have that dream. 

For now it just sucks. Loss sucks. Unhappiness sucks. Trying to find reasons to keep positive when life just keeps kicking you with muddy boots.. you guessed it.. sucks. This post sort of sucks! I'm sorry.. what a total downer. I'll be okay guys, I promise. Just hang with me for a bit. Maybe I need you to feel bad for me (again.. cuz wasn't I just bitchin a few posts back about infertility?!). Cuz I sorta feel bad for me. I'm strong, though.. And I have incredible people in my life who help keep me smiling on the super dark days. 

I'm so incredibly grateful for that. 

Bug has been by my side every day this last week. 

Jake is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. He's my lifeline right now.