Spring/Summer Photography Special

enjoy the silence?

Do you like my Depeche Mode inspired title? I'm listening to them right now, so it seemed the only thing to do. 


We spent the holidays here in Texas again. We always miss family, but we tried to have the best time we could. Jake was offered a position at a big company here called Cirrus Logic, so he started there in January and I was so happy to have him on a normal 8-5 schedule again! We moved just south of downtown Austin mid february... and we LOVE it down here! We are so close to downtown and live in the coolest little neighborhood right next to the greenbelt. 


We adopted a 1.5 yr old pup named Ruby. She's a beagador (lab/beagle mix) and is pretty darn cute. Bug is actually pretty interested in her.. which has been rather surprising and entertaining.


My last day at Nordstrom was on Sunday and I seriously could. not. be. happier about it!! It just got ridiculous after a while and I am happy to have my weekends back to focus more on photography again. Woot! 


So the most important thing that we have going on right now is that we have officially decided that we'd like to adopt a baby. We've prayed about this decision for months and we truly feel like this is the way we should start our family. We're actually very excited about it.. and have begun the process with LDS Family Services. I'd like to share a letter that I wrote a few days ago:

April  17, 2012

Our Dear Family and Friends,

  As many of you know, Jake and I have struggled with the issue of infertility for the past three years. We have gone through multiple fertility treatments, procedures, fertility drugs, loss, heartache, and even devastation at times. Through this, we have had the most amazing support from all of you. For this, we can not thank you enough. Really. Y'all are incredible.. 

  Over the past few months, Jake and I have been considering the alternative of adoption and have recently had the strong impression that this might be the way we are to build our family. We've both felt a sense of hope and comfort in the thought that there will be a baby out there that needs us. And we need them. 

  With this, we'd like to ask for your help. We're not quite sure how to do this... the whole adoption process is a bit overwhelming. We're starting the process with LDS Family Services and there will be interviews and paperwork and more interviews... hopefully they like us! In the meantime, we just wanted to get the word out that we are really hoping to adopt. Those who know us know that we're kind of weird, but we were wondering if you could maybe look past that if you ever knew of anyone with the intention of putting their unborn child up for adoption. We know it can be uncomfortable to talk about teenagers or twenty-something year olds that are in the situation where they're choosing whether to keep a baby or put it up for adoption. That is a personal situation and a very personal decision. Something we have seen first hand with friends and respect the difficult nature of. We are ready to start our family. We want to stay up all night with a newborn and be exhausted every second of every day. We want to deal with diapers, spit up, and boogers. We want to go camping and rock climbing and snipe hunting. We want to teach them wrong from right and instill in them what it means to be a happy human being. We want to be parents. 

  We'll leave you with that, but thank you for reading and please keep us in mind if you ever know of anyone struggling with the decision of finding a perfect home for their little one. We are sure to love that little baby for all eternity. Thank you, thank you for all of your continued love, support, and diligent prayers in our behalf. We are forever grateful for such amazing people in our lives. 

With Love and Best Wishes,

Lauren and Jake Casto

This has already been shared on Facebook and via email to our close friends and family. We really just want to share with the world our intention of adopting a baby, so that the child we are meant to care for and love for eternity will find it's way into our arms. 


I am really going to try to update this blog as much as possible as we'd like any potential mothers to learn more about us through reading this. I don't feel like I hold much back on here (which can make me a little nervous) and it's a pretty good way to have a window into our lives. As long as I'm on here keeping things current, I guess. 


It's a sunny day here in Austin, I'm smiling... and it feels really good. I hope you all have a lovely day.. whether it's raining outside or a perfect spring day, I hope you're smiling. 


Best, 
Lauren xo

Seize the Day

The weather's finally cooling off around these parts... I'm actually feeling surprised that we'll be spending another winter here. I guess I didn't really think this Austin thing would last longer than a year. I'm happy it is... I mean, I love this city. I do really really miss my family, though. But we do okay.

It's been a rough year, but it's also been an amazing one. Jake and I are closer than ever before and we've grown up a little bit through all these adult-sized trials we've been facing. My birthday is coming up this next week (the big 27) and this is the first year where I'm literally cringing every time I think of the number. Not that it's old.. I know it's not. But it's that age where I'm almost forcing myself to ponder all the things I've done in the last 27 years and if I've done them well, you know? Have I seized opportunities? Have I accomplished anything? I tend to have automatically negative responses in regards to these questions... but I really shouldn't be too hard on myself. I've had some pretty incredible experiences and have met amazing people along the way. I have so many different friends scattered around in so many different places. I have the ability to relate and communicate effectively with people... something I didn't do very well in high school, but something that I've forced myself to learn since. I have a husband that I adore. I moved halfway across the USA to TEXAS (seriously... Texas? I never would've imagined I'd move to Texas one day) on somewhat of a whim... without a job. And guess what? We were able to find jobs and an incredible doctor very quickly.

Sure, I don't have a baby yet... and I ache every. single. day. because of it. I never wanted to be having kids into my mid 30's (even though everyone's doing it these days), but will now be forced to because, if it's up to me, I'd rather my kids be a couple years apart from each other. I have had so many different plans throughout my 27 years... involving different destinations, different careers, different people.. But this is where I've landed at this moment in life. I don't know what my feelings are on it all. I know there's more in store... and I have no idea where we'll be a year from now... but I guess I'll do my best not to get frustrated over certain plans not panning out.

And through all the different courses I've taken through life thus far... I can't say that I regret one.. okay, well at least not more than a few. It's landed me in the situation that I am in right now. Which at times, may seem dark and sad... but even still, I have someone that will be by my side through it all. And that feels great and gives me the strength to carry on every day. We have a thirst for adventure, a good sense of humor, an incredible taste in music, movies, and food... :) Like I said, we do okay.

I have many different aspirations I hope to achieve one day. I feel like I've put some of my passions on the back burner while I dwell on the lame grown up stuff this last year. This next year will be different... and I'm going to try very hard to be more positive and find the inspiration to create and be the artistic person I used to be.

Maybe another birthday isn't so bad after all... another year to achieve something glorious, perhaps?

Racing Trains

a little fun.

Another Black Cloud Rolls In

FYI: this is an incredibly depressing post about the realities of life..

It's hard to imagine too many worse things than the frustrations and heartache of dealing with infertility... 

Except for maybe dealing with a miscarriage after years of infertility.

It's not something I really even want to talk about. But I feel like I almost need to in order to start moving forward again. 

To keep the painful story short, let me just say that we found out we were pregnant about a month ago. I had conceived naturally the month after my surgery. We were absolutely thrilled. After two years of trying, we were finally going to have a baby. I can't even describe the happiness I felt for exactly one month. We got to tell our families in person when we were in Las Vegas earlier this month... we bought a couple things for "baby" just because we finally could. It was hard to get me down.. even though I was nauseous most of the time, I welcomed it with open arms. 

Well not everything wonderful is meant to last... or at least that was the reminder we received last week when we got the news that there was no heartbeat and that I was in fact carrying a blighted ovum. I didn't take the news well, of course. The day I found out, last Tuesday, I called in sick to work, took a xanax, and basically tuned out for the day. I had the D&C  procedure on Friday and I actually felt okay that morning. I thought I had come to terms with everything. Until I woke up from the procedure.. felt the bleeding and the cramping.. and knew it was really over. I've just sort of felt empty ever since. I'm working on it, though. I think it's normal to mourn, right? Like everyone says.. at least I can get pregnant. So there's that.

So I sort of just want to leave it at that. I wish I had something really inspirational and beautiful to say.. like how I've learned through this tragedy some amazing thing that'll change my life for the better. Maybe I have.. I just haven't realized it yet. I guess I do know it will all have been worth it one day. When I have my baby in my arms, finally. I do have faith that I will still have that dream. 

For now it just sucks. Loss sucks. Unhappiness sucks. Trying to find reasons to keep positive when life just keeps kicking you with muddy boots.. you guessed it.. sucks. This post sort of sucks! I'm sorry.. what a total downer. I'll be okay guys, I promise. Just hang with me for a bit. Maybe I need you to feel bad for me (again.. cuz wasn't I just bitchin a few posts back about infertility?!). Cuz I sorta feel bad for me. I'm strong, though.. And I have incredible people in my life who help keep me smiling on the super dark days. 

I'm so incredibly grateful for that. 

Bug has been by my side every day this last week. 

Jake is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. He's my lifeline right now.

Ooh-blah-dee... Ooh-blah-dah...

Some days (most days) I wish I were on an episode of House Hunters International... 

We had a wonderful visit home last week. Oh my.. we are so flippin far away! What were we thinking?! JK.. I'm glad we moved to Austin. It's been a really great experience for us. BUT.. it IS far away. We just had to go home, spend a week with family and BFFs, then say goodbye again to realize it.

It was fabulous, though.. to just relax and hang out with our favorite people. I even made a trip up to my beloved Zion's National Park with my family and enjoyed a day of hiking in my absolute favorite place in this world. Oh man, it was perfect.

Well, we're back to every day life again and hoping to make some big decisions soon.. perhaps moving back out west? Who knows what life will bring.. it's so rarely something you can control anymore. You need to go where the jobs are, ya know? It's sort of depressing if you really start to think about it... so I try not to that often. 

I have a really adorkable cat, though. Have I told you about her? Many times, you say?? So what.. maybe if you had a cat as cool as mine, you'd wanna brag about her all the time. 

I'm feeling very random this eve and should probably go rest up and read a book or something. Pretty sure I won't be getting a suitable blog post out of myself tonight. Oh well.. here are a couple photos to make it worth your while perhaps. 

The Scope of it All

Well my mom is flying out of Austin in about 4 minutes...

I hate saying goodbye to family. It's never easy and always emotional. Way to be.. way to be. It was great having her here, though. Even though I was tired, in pain, and super needy the whole time. I wonder why she wanted to leave so quickly?! Jk. jk. She was actually able to come for a good chunk of time... I'm very lucky to have a mum who loves me enough to travel all the way out here.

The reason behind her visit is due to my date with the scalpel last Friday. You guessed it... I was lucky enough to have Laparoscopic surgery! Woot! Na.. not that cool. I promise.  So I decided I'd let y'all know how it all went just in case, ya know, you need to get a Laparoscopy or Hysteroscopy one day. (I really really hope not!)

So the appointment was on Friday at 1pm. I wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything after midnight Thursday night, which actually wasn't too terrible. I was surprised at my lack of appetite. I'm always hungry. Guess I was pretty nervous. Honestly, I've never had to have surgery before.. I've never been "put under" by general anesthesia... or had to think of possibly never waking up..

Anyway - so Jake got off work at 7am.. came home and slept for two hours and then took me to the surgery center at 11:30. Once there, I signed some paperwork, waited until about noon, then was called back for more paperwork. After that I changed into the super sweet hospital gown and was shown to my waiting/recovery "room" (that was separated by all the other "rooms" by sheets... nice). The nurse attempted to start the IV, took one look at my tiny, child-sized hands and decided I had tiny, child-sized veins as well. So she had to get a smaller needle and got to work fixing it into my hand.. (puke..) So it didn't go super smooth, but she wasn't really hurting me too bad, thank goodness. Apparently the little rubber IV thingy didn't want to fit into the hole made by the needle in my skin, so it got a little messy.

It looked a lot worse than it felt.

The nurse put a clean sheet underneath so i didn't have to almost faint every time I looked down at my hand.

After the IV was figured out, I started feeling a little sleepy. I met the anesthesiologist and the nurse anesthetist. My doctor showed up around that time and tried finding the lab results of my Pre-Op appointment in my chart.. specifically the pregnancy test. Unable to track them down, he had to get on the phone to his office. In the meantime, the nurse there who had previously taken a urine sample from me, remembered why she had actually taken the sample and ran off to do a pregnancy test. She came back with the stick, waiting for it to turn either Positive or Negative, all of us waiting with bated breath... me hoping that, even though I knew it was impossible, I could somehow actually BE pregnant and wouldn't have to go through this hideous surgery after all.. but then the idiot nurse (she wasn't really an idiot nurse, her next statement was just idiotic given my situation, I thought..) said, "Oh, it's one line! That's good!! That means it's negative!" I of course had to reply with, "Well some of us don't really think that's such a good thing..." I think I repeated that a few times, actually, because by this time I was really sleepy and anxious..

Well, after that, the nurse anesthestist told me that he was going to give me something to relax me and that they would then wheel me into the surgery room. He said I would be talking the whole time they were wheeling me in there, but that I wouldn't remember any of it. So I said goodbye to Jake and they shot the drugs into the IV. Jake says I kept trying to stick my arms out through the bars in the side of the bed as they wheeled me away, and they kept making me cross my arms across my chest, but I don't really remember doing that. It's sketchy, but I do remember the surgery room. I saw a big, blue light and then it went black.

So when I woke up, I was back in a recovery "room" and as soon as I opened my eyes, I was nauseous. They kept trying to give me crackers and I was trying to eat them, but my mouth was so dry and my throat hurt from the breathing tube they'd had in... and I just wanted to throw up. I knew I was going to react badly to the anesthesia. I don't do good taking a pill on an empty stomach, let alone a whole stew of drugs. I guess I kept falling asleep, too. Jake says I would fall asleep in the middle of sentences. He and the nurse had to dress me and I honestly can't remember much of that. They loaded me into the jeep and Jake drove me home and put me to bed. I was so nauseous the whole time... I kept trying to make myself throw up, but nothing would happen because I didn't have anything on my stomach! It sucked. That wasn't a very great night. My mom did arrive that evening and Jake picked her up from the airport. I was awake when she got there and munching on graham crackers. I was nauseous still, but once I had some food on my stomach, I started to feel better.

So the results of the Laparoscopy: I have Endometriosis. Well, I had Endometriosis and it may come back. The doctor put three incisions in my stomach, the most painful one being in my belly button. He went in with a laparoscope to see what he could find... he found Endometriosis on both ovaries, behind the uterus, and on the bladder flap (whatever that is!). There were also adhesions, which are like bands of scar tissue. He decided to remove it all as well as the cysts that we already knew were on my right ovary. He also did a Hysteroscopy where he flushed dye through my tubes (same thing I had done last year, called an HSG. It hurt like hell. I'm so happy I wasn't awake for it this time!)

 I haven't spoken to the doctor yet. I go in for my Post Op next week so I'll know more about what stage of Endometriosis this is considered as being and what our next plan of action is. I spoke to the nurse a little yesterday and she doesn't think I should take any Femara this month. I'm okay with that. My body needs some time to recuperate. The worst side effect I had to deal with over the weekend were the ache in my back, shoulders, and neck.. everywhere, actually. During the procedure, they fill you up with carbon dioxide gas so they can get a better look inside. They try to get as much gas out as they can after the procedure, but they can't get it all out. So it took about 3 days for the gas to seep out through my joints. (ouch!) I took the pain pills mostly because of that, honestly.

Now, 4 days later, I don't feel 100% at all. Maybe around 60% my normal self?! And I have to go back to work tomorrow. :( My incisions are still painful. And they call this minimally invasive surgery?? I can't imagine having anything bigger done! Blah.. well, I guess it was a little more than a Laparoscopy since they had to remove all that "gunk". So yes.. not the most wonderful experience, but I did have my mom and Jake here to take care of me. They cooked meals for me and kept me hydrated and comfortable. I'm so happy I had them here with me. I was able to get out of the house on Sunday for a little bit and we headed downtown to do a short riverboat cruise on Lady Bird Lake. It exhausted the hell outta me, but it was fun. Monday I took my mom to see the peacocks in Mayfield Park and we were able to go shopping for a little bit. I was ready to go home after a little while, but it was really nice to get out of the house for a while.

Anyway, so that's that. I guess we'll see what the future has in store. It's scary to think that I have Endometriosis.. and in the olden days, I may not have been able to get pregnant at all. But I've read that the best way to combat Endo is to get pregnant. So let's hope that we've helped that process along... and that we can have a happy ending yet! I know I'm not losing hope..

Lauren xo